Mga Katatakutan Na Pawang Gawa-Gawa Lamang.

Marami akong bagay na kinatatakutan. Liban sa lumilipad na ipis, sa sermon ng Mama ko sa tuwing hindi ako kumikilos sa gawaing bahay, sa centipede at ano mang insektong naninipsip daw ng dugo. Takot din ako sa kapre, duwende, white lady, sigbin, at tikbalang. Dagdag pa ang superstitions na tsini-tsismis ng mga nakatatanda sa amin noong mga bata pa kami.

‘Huwag kang magputol ng kuko at magwalis sa gabi, lalabas ang grasya.’

‘Huwag kang matutulog nang basa ang buhok, baka ka mabulag.’

‘Huwag mong pagligpitan ang hindi pa kasal, baka hindi na makapangasawa.’

Ilan lamang ‘yan sa mga pamahiin ng mga Filipino ang tumatak sa isipan ko habang lumalaki ako. Hindi sa hindi ako naniniwala sa mga ito pero hindi ko rin naman ipinagsasawalang-bahala. Minsan na akong nagputol ng kuko sa gabi dahil sa pagka-irita sa kahabaan ng mga ito. Naranasan ko na rin magwalis dahil magaspang at maraming maliliit na bato ang sahig ng sala namin. Hindi sinasadyang napagligpitan ko ang tita ko ng pinagkainan. Laking pasasalamat ko na lang nang magpakasal siya sa foreigner niyang Jowa dahil baka masisi ko ang sarili kapag tumandang dalaga ito.

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“Sleep paralysis” o “Bangungot” sa wikang Filipino. Ito yung karaniwang nararanasan sa tuwing tulog ang isang tao. Hindi ka makagalaw, nakikita ang paligid na wari’y mulat ang mga mata at may halong halusinasyon.

Anim na taong gulang ako nang unang beses na makaranas ng sleep paralysis, hindi lingid sa kaalaman kung anong katakot-takot na karanasan ang na-engkwentro nung mga panahon na iyon dahil malay ko ba na sleep paralysis na pala ang tawag duon. Pormal kong nalaman ang tawag nang maghigh-school ako dahil minsan namin napagkwentuhan ng isa sa mga matalik na kaibigan ang tungkol dito.

Sabi nila, Babaeng espiritu raw ito na nagnga-ngalan na ‘Batibat’. Isang malaki at matabang kaluluwa raw ito na nagtatangkang bawian ka ng buhay sa pamamagitan nang pagpasok sa panaginip. Mataba. Grabe, pati ba naman sa espiritu may panunuya ang mga tao. Kunsabay, maski nga ang Aswang ginagamit na pang-asar sa tuwing hindi maayos ang presentasyon mo sa harap ng ibang tao–”Mukha kang aswang. Mag-ayos ka nga ng sarili mo!” Kung ako siguro yung aswang, ma-o-offend ako kapag nakarinig ng ganitong kumento o kaya kapag ako yung ginawang halimbawa sa depinisyon ng pagiging hindi ka-aya-aya.

Ayon sa mga nabasa ko, madalas na dahilan ng sleep paralysis ay ang ‘stress’. Napa-ngiwi ako nang mabasa ito. Ano kaya ang dahilan ng pagiging stress ko nung anim na taong gulang ako? Baka napalo ako dahil ayaw kong basahin ang ABAKADA o kaya burot ako nang makipaglaro ng tagu-taguan. Nakakastress nga naman iyon para sa isang anim na taong gulang. Lumaki ako nang naging normal na lang sa ‘kin ang makaranas ng sleep paralysis. Hindi dahil palagi akong nakakaranas ng stress at may mga mabibigat na kinakaharap pero marahil ay gawa ng madali ako ma-apektuhan ng pinagdadaanan ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin at posible na naabsorb ko ang mga ito at lumalabas na lang sa tuwing natutulog ako dahil wala akong ibang alam na paraan para magbahagi ng kung ano man ang tumatakbo isipan ko.

Isa sa mga mahalagang inpormasyon na nalaman ko ay ang tinatawag na Rapid Eye Movement o REM, ito ang ika-apat at huling stage ng sleeping cycle natin kung saan dito rin lumalabas ang mga panaginip. Kapag pala natutulog tayo at hindi dumaan sa tamang stages, puwede tayong magkaroon ng nightmares dahil elevated ang brain activity at active ang visual cortex ng utak natin kaya most of the time, may kasama rin itong hallucinations. Matapos malaman ang sanhi at makabasa ng ibang blogs sa mga nakakaranas din nito, dumating sa punto na nakokontrol ko na ang sleep paralysis at napipigilan bago pa tuluyang mangyare. Astig, ‘di ba? Para kong may super powers at na-who you bigla si Batibat.

Netong mga nagdaang taon, bihira ko na rin maranasan ang sleep paralysis. Na-umay at napagod na siguro sa ‘kin si Batibat dahil wala na siyang napapala sa akin. GAME OVER! Tinanggap na lang ang pagkatalo. Na-master ko na yata ang bawat forms ng Nen at na-reach ang level ng unbotheredness. Sa totoo lang, habang tumatanda ako, hindi na batid ang takot ‘pag dating sa ganitong klase ng eksperyensya. Unit-unting napagtatanto ko na mas nakatatakot pa rin talaga ang mga bagay na nasasaksihan at aktwal na nararanasan natin sa araw-araw na gigising tayo; gaya ng pagtaas ng mga bilihin, ganid ng mga nakatataas, ang kahirapan, diskriminasyon at social injustices, at iba pang kalupitan ng mundo na maski sa panaginip, mahirap labanan at takasan.

Still Young…Or Not?

I was chillin’ with my coworker during our lunch break at work. She’s apparently in her late 30s, which is interesting because I am used to hang out with people my own age. We were discussing our life plans, shared about my fears of venturing into another job because of all the uncertainties. Let’s be real here, in the state of what we have right now, having a job—even if it’s not your ideal one, seems to be what matter most; you are earning, despite there is nothing left for you to save, as long you could fill in your needs, and your bills are paid, that is already enough for you to survive. She asked me, “How old are you?” to which I responded, “I’m twenty-five.”

She paused for a second, and said, “You’re still young.”

She starts going on about how if she were at my age, she’d go job after another job and be taking her sweet time to figure out what she really wants to do in the long run. But in her current age, she mentioned that she should’ve already built a foundation when it comes to her career; have a decent and stable job, and expressed her regrets for not exploring and trying when she still had the time. And so, this got me thinking… I often feel like I’m running out of time to figure out what I really want to do in life (which I have mentioned quite a few times in this dear blog of mine as to how I still don’t know what I want to do with the career that I have), but then there are people who see my age as “young” even though I don’t necessarily feel that way. Crazy how our perceptions of age, carry certain expectations and societal norms.

There’s this weird pressure to have your entire life figured out at this stage, especially if you’re still living with your parents (I’m Asian, and I have to remind myself that it’s actually normal). You see your friends starting families or doing things you can’t even fathom yet. It’s hard not to compare yourself to their achievements and wonder if you’re falling behind. But here’s the thing: do people actually have their lives all mapped out? What does it even mean to be successful? I believe that the constant need for exploration and growth, even in the face of challenges, is an essential aspect of our existence. Even those adults who seem to have it all figured out are probably questioning their choices and longing for more. We get so hung up on arbitrary deadlines and what society expects of us, but let’s not forget that despite our best efforts to plan for the future, there are things beyond our control. Sometimes we don’t even realize how hard we are on ourselves to prove something, and the overwhelming number of choices in life can be paralyzing. Why not let things unfold naturally, over time? So long as we keep moving forward and navigating the wind whirl of twists and turns ahead of us, each passing day will bring clarity and reveal the breathtaking panorama of endless possibilities.

Boses at Sentimyento

Bakit mo sisisihin ang ordinaryong mamamayang pilipino kung hindi nila masunod ang social distancing? Kung hindi nila kayang pumirme sa kanilang mga tahanan at mag self-quarantine? Mas mahalaga ang pangkain sa araw-araw kaysa sa tiyansang pagkakaroon ng sakit.

Hindi tayo pantay-pantay ng estado sa buhay. Mabuti sana kung may inilalatag ang gobyerno na alternatibong hanapbuhay para sa mga simpleng mamamayan; kung sila mismo ang nagbibigay ng tulong para sa mahihirap. Kaso wala, eh. Wala naman “daw” kasing namamatay sa gutom ng isang buwan. Gustuhin man nilang gawin ang ipinapagawa ninyo o ng gobyerno, makarinig man sila ng hindi kanais-nais na mga salita galing sa mga pribilehiyo na kagaya mo, hindi nila magawa dahil wala silang ibang pagpipilian kundi ang kumayod pa rin sa gitna ng sakuna. Kung hindi sila kakayod, walang kikitaing pera. Kung walang pera, walang pangkain sa pamilya. Sana mapagtanto natin na may mga taong kayang gawin ang lahat para lang mapunan ang kumakalam na sikmura, kahit pa ang kapalit nito ay ang panganib sa mga buhay nila.

Paano naman yung kumikita lang ng sapat o kulang pa sa araw-araw? Na-isip man lang ba natin kung paano sila mamumuhay o mabubuhay ng isang buwan? Hindi. Kasi wala naman tayo sa sitwasyon nila. Hindi naman tayo ang nagugutuman. Hindi naman kulang ang pangkain natin sa araw-araw, kayá ano nga ba kasi ang paki-alam natin sa kanila?

Hindi ko sinasabing masama ang pagkakaroon ng pribilehiyo sa ganitong sitwasyon. Ang punto ko, magising ka sa katotohanan na walang matinong plataporma ang gobyerno para sa mahihirap. Kung nahihirapan kang umintindi sa kanila, mas doble ang hirap na dinaranas nila. Oo. Walang may nais ang mangyare ito. Sino ba naman kasi ang gustong mamuhay sa takot at pangamba. Pero, ano nga ba ang magagawa nila? Hindi rin naman nila ginusto ang mabuhay sa walâ.

Wait lang, idagdag ko nga pala yung tweet ni Sir. Jerry Grácio.

Sabi niya:

“Ineng, may social distancing na noon pa. Malayong-malayo ang social distance ng mahirap sa mayaman. Social distancing is the privilege of the rich. After this crisis, we need to cut that social distance thru social justice.”

Epitaph

“For you, a thousand times over!”

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Disclaimer: Please don’t read this entry if you are not comfortable or you do not like talking about death. It might affect your mental health and could cause you uneasiness. Thank you! ♥️

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Yesterday, we had an activity in one of my MA subjects, and that was to make our own epitaph–what we want to write on our tombstone when we die. I was hesitant as to what I should write because I never really think nor talk about my own death. Ever. I got goosebumps when I heard my Professor casually talking about it. It was understandable though, given that our topic for that day was about Existentialism.

It was a great activity to discover your purpose in life. Of course, it doesn’t stop in making our own epitaph, we need to discuss it further and do interventions to know every meaning of what we wrote. After a while, I firmly inscribed that line mentioned above. It was from one of my favorite books by Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner. That line was first uttered by Hassan when he runs the kite for Amir while they were in a kite competition.

It can have different meanings depending on where it is used though, but for me, it signifies devotion of oneself. It clearly represents the unconditional love that I have for my family and friends. The willingness to sacrifice and to do something for them, over and over. Even if it takes a thousand times. I laughed when my Professor asked me if I searched that up because I was evidently confident with my epitaph.

Honestly, that was the first time death crossed my mind. Thoughts like, what kind of burial do I want? Do I want to be cremated? Do I have to mention that I don’t want to be buried? What dress or clothes should I wear? What kind of hairstyle should I pull off? Having these kinds of cerebrations literally gave me chills down my spine. But the more I get used to it, the more I realized that death doesn’t bother me at all. I was gradually exposed to the idea of death until it (death) becomes a normal contingency.

Actually, I’m not really afraid of it, I am most afraid and curious about how will I die. How does it feel gasping for the last air? Seeing your loved ones begging for you to hold on–or… or would you really have trailer-like flashbacks of your life before your brain shut down? Nobody really knows what will happen afterlife. Well, for some, who are Catholics, you either have two places to go–the heaven or hell. For those who are atheist and don’t believe in God, there’s no such thing as ‘afterlife’. Your brain will just stop functioning and you will just simply die.

On the contrary, most religions believed that we are given a chance to be born again and either be an animal or a different person. I won’t be digging into details, for this topic has been a wide range of arguments and speculations. It would take us some time to decipher every viewpoint. Anyhow, your perception is what really matters. Let’s instill respect in each and everyone’s beliefs and faith.

I may seem comfortable enough talking about death but it doesn’t mean that I am ready for it. No. I am not. And I will never be. We all know that death is an inevitable occurrence to every human being and we must accept that it will be our last destination. It is the end of our means.

I remember this quote from Viktor Frankl, it was written in his book–Man’s Search for Meaning. “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone’s task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” after doing that activity, I have learned how to give meaning to every second of my life. To know my purpose and to create new goals every day, no matter how small my purpose to every goal is.

It doesn’t matter how drastic your life or how simple it may be. You just live and give meaning to every beat of your pulse. By then, you will know what kind of person you are and what stain you will mark the moment you go on and leave everything behind. Life is unpredictable; one day, we are jumping out of happiness, living the best of our lives. Next thing we know, we are just once a tenant of this mad world. That everything is temporary and even our borrowed life has its own ending.